Authors: Bart J. Mindszenthy and Michael Gordon, MD
Publisher: The Dundurn Group, Toronto, ON.
Reviewed by Hazel Sebastian, MSW, RSW, Social Worker, Regional Geriatric Program, Toronto Rehabilitation Institute, Toronto, ON.
Although “Parenting Your Parents” is directed to families, care providers, policy designers, and professionals who assist them can also learn from reading this remarkably moving book. Readers will find significant insight into end-of-life challenges faced by care receivers and providers. Since adult children often feel unprepared for the task of helping their aging parents, they will find the authors’ description and discussions of this daunting task through stories of nineteen Canadian families extremely useful. The authors--Dr. Michael Gordon, a renowned geriatrician, and his coauthor Bart Mindszenthy--reflect on the details of providing care with all of its struggles and rewards, blending their extensive professional and personal family experiences. The second edition includes an expanded personal parenting planner and an updated resource directory for every province in Canada.
The nineteen case studies delve into the everyday life of family caregivers and their parents, their journey of love and pain, and the hope that they have made appropriate decisions along the way. There is plenty of room to make mistakes while venturing into this unfamiliar world of care providing. A close partnership between the family caregivers and health care professionals will prevent premature institutionalization, and increase the longevity of the caregiver and care recipient relationship.
These stories of families are selected from diverse family backgrounds, faiths, and cultures from different provinces of Canada. The end-of-life care concerns and trials they face often test the true strength of the family relationships. These intimate stories describe unpredictable events in their lives and the need for flexible, creative ways to deal with them. They inform the caregivers to pace themselves to go through a journey of caregiving that may last decades; in addition, caregivers will feel that these stories validate their expectations and personal feelings of failures and successes. The book identifies some of the controversies encountered with siblings and health care professionals, and it captures the unanticipated emotions experienced in the huge responsibility of providing daily care.
The caregiving experiences in this book chronicle different paths but they do not claim to cover every family situation. Still, families facing completely different problems can benefit from reading the book and discovering helpful advice in various segments; it may stimulate lateral thinking to address unique issues that confront other families.
The “Healthcare Professional Point of View” presented after each case study offers alternative approaches to resolving crisis points and emphasizes the usefulness of seeking early professional interventions. A delay in seeking professional assistance can unnecessarily increase the stress on parents and care providers. Timely assistance from home health care providers, learning the strategies targeting challenging behaviours, and environmental modifications can contribute to more successful coping. The professionals reading the book may find the richness of the text gently probing the limit of their knowledge and skill level. It will encourage a professional to find creative ways to work around restrictive agency policies and improve his or her repertoire.
The “Personal Parenting Planner” is particularly important for use in care mapping. It creates a cognitive and conceptual space for caregivers to raise questions and resolve problems. It strengthens the planning by focusing on the areas and details not always included. The use of the parenting planner is therapeutic for those who feel overwhelmed by the responsibilities and consumed by caring duties. It brings a sense of control and direction to the whole process.
The updated directory of resources will assist in finding the help needed. It will reduce the time spent to identify services in the community. The list includes a wide range of general resources, services for special needs, driving capability assessments, and home modification. It outlines the procedures to follow to access publicly funded federal and provincial services, and private agencies that can supplement the care. The suggestions for long-term care placement planning assist anyone who is helping the parents, either locally or from a long distance.
The title Parenting Your Parents suggests the role adult children have to assume to assist parents when they become frail. According to the authors of this book it is a common phenomenon around the world, but this book examines the familial and societal issues in Canada. To be successful, it advocates for a balance in all areas of a care provider’s life and careful planning. The help given effectively and lovingly to parents has many similarities to the role of parenting children. There are also important differences. Since the parents enjoy the authority and advantage of many more years of life experience, they will expect to have the final say in all the decisions affecting them or they may delegate. To minimise the role conflict and the parent’s feelings of loss of control, there is a need to respect the boundaries of the parent-child relationship.
The personal experiences of parents depending on their adult children at the end of their life to provide physical and emotional care fill the pages of this extraordinary book. The value of the book is in its creation as a guide for seasoned caregivers who are struggling to cope at times with the responsibilities, and to give practical advice to future caregivers. It’s also an invaluable resource for administrators of long-term care facilities, home care coordinators, and health care professionals. The contributions of this easy-to-read book are a definite addition to the existing information on caring. As a professional working with frail older rehabilitation clients and as a family caregiver for my mother, the book has inspired some new thinking and enabled me to reflect on ways to share the caregiving responsibilities with my siblings. It has also improved the quality of our interactions.
